@markleggett: You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "cheat days" when you can eat as many as you like.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My wife and I divided up the important talks we'll have with our daughters. She'll handle puberty, sex, and college. I'll handle zombies.
@TheBeerGuy73: Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games. In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
@AminaMarx: update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn't get scared
@77StephanieG77: Text from mom: How's my baby girl? Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much