I hate what you’ve done with the place.
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*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
new record!
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me