You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
You Might Also Like
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.