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@Reverend_Scott: "You CAN even."
- white girl life coach
@robfee: Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
@abrosenthal: Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.
@iamspacegirl: [after blowing out all the candles on my cake]
him: Did you wish for world peace again?
me: haha of course.
*A WILD SQUIRTLE APPEARS*
@waydybee: Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name's Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
@Derpey: Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.