You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
this independent good boy don’t need no human
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.