Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
just gave your address to some spiders
This is a true ally.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”