@iRowlf: You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.
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@TheBoydP: Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
@TheTweetOfGod: Today is National Girlfriend's Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar's just not ready for that kind of commitment.
@TheBoydP: I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.