@iRowlf: You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AngelaEhh: My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge. I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
@doguacate: Listen. You've been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don't know what you're "expecting"
@abbycohenwl: Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.