I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum