I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
You Might Also Like
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
The Onion called it…again.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD