“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Still a very good boi….
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.