“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
You Might Also Like
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.