@WheelTod: "You can hide but you can't run,"
-- Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
@EJGomez: employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
@DropsNoPanties: Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won't pay it!
B: here's your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
@shutupmikeginn: If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
@Chumpstring: [grocery store]
MOM: omg where's my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
@tastefactory: When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult