@WheelTod: "You can hide but you can't run,"
-- Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
@PlatinumShower: Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.
@Smooheed: Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
@krustythe_klown: Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
@_4kidscrazy: Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I'm late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we're out of TP and hand soap again.
@ItsAndyRyan: A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.