@WheelTod: "You can hide but you can't run,"
-- Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
@JohnLyonTweets: Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
@JournalismJunk: The closest I've come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I'm getting weighed.
@PinkCamoTO: Autocorrect changed "you flatter me" to "you flatten me" and shit just got really weird.
@TheEllenShow: I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
@Maddy_ubert: Nurse - "OK we are gonna start you on the scale"
Me - "You know what maybe I'm not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*