If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
ready to be harvested
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
And then there were 4
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?