You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife