You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You Might Also Like
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.