I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
You Might Also Like
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
*weighs self after shaving
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up