@TheTweetOfGod: You can lead a horse to water but only if you grew up on a farm or something.
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@Thynebear: [on the phone with wife] Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin? "Tell me why." [winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
@NJPsychDoc: My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
@prettysadmostly: i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes date: what about me? Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
@TheWriteStuff2u: Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, "Now, what shall we name the other one?"