[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.