My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
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baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
OH. COME. ON.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.