@LostCatDog: You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can't do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
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@AGreaterMonster: Dear Applicant, Your résumé appears to be a string of stolen tweets. Congratulations, you're our new VP of Marketing!
@ZackBornstein: Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma. Teen: Huh? Doctor: He's in airplane mode now. Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.