You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
thinking about a very short hotdog
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?