You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
i wish all
whales
a very
big
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.