You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Squirrels before girls.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners