You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
You Might Also Like
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Going into Monday like
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump