‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
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I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.