[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
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Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER