You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
You Might Also Like
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
same bro
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.