You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?