You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
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COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The big book of baby names but for safe words