You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
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I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
When your parents check you’re ok.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!