You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me buying fruit and veg
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics