You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.