You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.