You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
This makes total sense…
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
A dad and his duck
Stick it to the man
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop