You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.