You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.