You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday