@TheMichaelRock: You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!
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@notacroc: [Hide and seek] Police officer: how long has he been missing? Wife: a few hours Police officer: describe him Wife: 5' 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs Me from the bushes: no he doesn't
@duplicitron: Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.
@psybermonkey: [heist] Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe Thief: well? Me: omg... [cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
@AlsBoy: Guys, don't let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren't wearing them probably don't want to talk to you either