[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978