You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Worst perfume name ever.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing