You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?