You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I have obtained a hat
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
True
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls