@PaulyPeligroso: You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
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@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
@DivorceDad: I just got this twitter error: "The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it." Apparently, twitter thinks we're married.
@Donnie_Fairburn: Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso
@pertyy_: If you don't want to play with me I'll just play with myself! - Overheard in 2nd grade today... Me too kid, me too.