@PaulyPeligroso: You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
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@AimeeHelene1: At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I'm in front of a group of people. *hands on hips* *hands in air* *does macarena*
@_The_Man__: Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* "Tell them I died in the moon wars"
@sofarrsogud: 'Time to meet your maker' I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
@Douchekevin: Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won't work. I was married for 6 years.