@weinerdog4life: You can pretend you're a ghost at pottery barn, there's no laws against that
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@happily_dad: Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
@_Kim_Jongun: How does North Korea only have four medals so far? We're the best at everything. We even fed our athletes this time.
@johnbiehl: Me: this a rush song? Bartender: yeah, you a fan? Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says "no"*
@KeetPotato: wife: we should go before you saying something stupid me: ok wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service me: yeah lets do this again sometime