You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence