You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.