You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*