You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Steam Forums
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no