@Ristolable: You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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@NinjaFuneral: Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
@TravLeBlanc: Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
@dshack8: My kids can't hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
@TheTweetOfGod: St. Patrick's Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.