You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.