I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.