They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
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“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*