enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.