you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
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mom gave me mine for free
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
$3 #books
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Liquor Store Parking
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays