you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Oh yeh? Explain this then
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”