You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
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Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey